Telling A Friend

As people, we are predisposed to want to belong, to want to feel like we align with our peers and those who we hold dear. When something in our lives makes us different, but not in the “ideal” ways, we want to stifle that aspect of ourselves in order to adhere to social norms. At some point, whether out of choice or necessity, we often have to be vulnerable and explain these experiences and instances to our friends. For a child with incarcerated parents, this is just another key part of ourselves that we often have to explain.

As a child, I kept my father’s incarceration under lock in key in my mind, as if it were a dirty secret or something to be ashamed of. I recall telling my closest friends in grade school under the telephone poll out in the farthest corner of the field at recess, where the butterflies would congregate every spring, prefacing my confession with “I have a secret… and you cannot tell anyone. Promise?” I remember one time I was in a petty fight with one of my friends in 3rd grade and my friend wanted to get back to me. We ran to the rug in the front of the classroom, the one which had columns of squares, each one a different color, and I sat on one of the blue squares which was my favorite. She turned to me and whispered, “I know your dad is a criminal and in jail.” 

Even though I was only eight, I can still recall the wave of nausea which rolled over me as that familiar pit of dread grew in my stomach. I made no reply but simply stared forward with eyes wide like some fauna caught in the blinding beam of a headlight. I had felt betrayed because my friends who I had confided in had told, but also because my friend used this information as if it was something to be ashamed of. This simply affirmed the suspicions in my mind that my father’s wrong doings somehow tainted my character as well in my young mind. 

I now look back on those events with sadness. Not because of my friends actions but because of how we viewed “the secret” as a whole. By treating my father’s status as if it were a big deal, I was giving in to the idea that I should feel ashamed of this quality which made me unique. Had I have had the resources, I could have educated my friends on my situation, I could have shown them how it was not something I was responsible for. So, I wanted to help create a way to tell your friends. This post will be targeted to younger aged children and a future post will deal with older children.

1 - Use Your Words

The words with which you choose will give a different context or background with which your friends view your situation. By treating my dad being in prison as a “secret,” I allowed it to be viewed as something that was “wrong.” Instead of saying, “I have a secret to tell you,” say, “I have something to tell you.” By using the word “something” instead, I am telling my friends that it is merely a part of myself, not something that defines who I am. 

2 - Get to the Point

Most confusion arises from ambiguity or not being clear about what you really mean. If you talk about your mom or dad being in prison as if they are merely, “going away for awhile,” you leave your friends to speculate which can often make things get out of hand really easily. Instead, be honest with them (as it is the best policy), and simply tell it to them straight. You can say any variation of, “My mom/dad/parent is in jail.”  

3 -Affirm You are Yourself

While this should be obvious, sometimes we can get lost in the idea of connectedness, tying peoples’ character to the actions of others of who they are related to or who they hang out with. Remind your friend that while your parent may be in jail, this no way speaks of you in any negative way. In fact, this simply makes you even stronger by having to deal with this difficult situation so early on. 

4 - Answer Questions

If you feel comfortable, allow your friend to ask questions. This will help you avoid more unknowns or areas of possible miscommunication. By talking things through with your friends, you can straighten things out and better understand one another. If you do not feel comfortable answering questions, you can refer them to someone who can help them understand. You can maybe go to your school counselor to help.

With all this being said, being vulnerable in this way is no easy task. It is undeniably hard to confront such a personal issue with your friends but it will ultimately help you. By telling your friends, it can feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders, which should not have been there in the first place. This opens up a discussion where you can help to educate your friends about your experiences or information about the criminal justice system. 

Feel free to leave your suggestions down below and help somebody out!